I know its been quite sometimes now since I wrote a single post about the status of my life. I’ve been living ok now that I got my permanent status at Department of Enterprise Services. Though its easy to me performing the repetitive task I do every day. My dad don’t have much time left on this earth therefore I’m here to give him one last boost to see that one last smile and hug. When I graduate from Evergreen State College my dad was so proud of me. I really want to tell him “dad, I got more then just a certificate”. But due to my dad safety and family safety I must kept my past a close secret.
Lately I met a pretty close friend, a friend that I want as a child but couldn’t have. Sometimes when we dream so high it never come true. When we don’t dream it comes true. I’m afraid to dream of unattainable things. I was given a song that tells exactly how I felt. This song has translation, but it doesn’t anything compare to word per word. I flipped the dictionary and sent an email to my exchange teacher from 10th grade. She called me and we listened word per word and she tried her best to translate to me. Chinese sounds sound so good. i listened to many different languages songs but it doesn’t sound as painful as Chinese songs. Though I don’t understand a single word (wait I lied, I do understand some but not to an extent that I can speak it, I can only say my name that Ms. Leung gave me – Ruan Cheng Chung) This friend was sad, I could look into their eyes and understand everything about them. Photographic memories hurts…….I can only hope….I felt that I have caused more drama than I have took away from these friends. I can see their pain. I will step away and put on a smile show.
I have never regret more in this life then ever. I thank all my teacher who have given me this education and love. I thank my parents for sacrificing their life to give me the education I have. If I was in Vietnam I wouldn’t have had the chance to go to school. I probably be lucky enough to make it to third grade. From all those who have stepped into my life always taught me three things: be truthful to your heart, promise can be broken but never give promise that you cannot promise, and to the end be yourself. I have failed to accomplish all the lesson that I have been taught to this day. I just want to see those that I care smile just one more minute, one more time, and I’m happy. All the time, I thank ong troi & god for giving me a life. For letting me born into this family of my father. I admire him so much. Please let me have his sickness and die before my dad.
What hurt me most in life is not having a real friend. Every friend that came into my life treated me like points. Every friend treated me like a toy. When they are done for, I’m left on the side to walk alone. I had the herniated disc due to friends. But I will never regret being who I am. I have felt a “love” again. It feels good to love again…..but it can only be a 3 hour period that I will never forget. I will close the door and live a simpler life and put on this smile. I can not live a selfish life, I can only live a life to see other smiles. For those who are reading my journal, I appreciate those who have read my journals over the years. I’m just so confuse about “why” ……
the question of “why” …..I sit here on my porch asking why? …….Because its beautiful being able to feel love for a few minutes……..but reality is ……………….I’m behind..nguoi dung phia sau ……life hurts when we’re lost…when we’re just tra hieu….when we’re a walking timebombs.
Thats my thoughts for now. I’m going to leave this a open topic. You can email me and keep your name anonymous and we’ll chat more about this topic.