Jun 30

A Friend Lost due to understanding

I guess at 2 pm today I have lost a friend. A friend that I had high hopes for. Who could have understand me and I could her. A good bye in tears but lives moves on.

Good Bye is the only word that I can think of this moment.

 

I have attached the letters of broken promises. Everything has its ending. Friendship never last till we reach and understanding …

a letter from this promise with all the promises of being a friend forever. A song they sang for me to promise of a friendship that will never end.

if you want access to the letters. Please register and send me a notice for access to the letter.

Its sad but nothing I can do. It hurts but nothing I can do. Hard to find a friend that you can consider close friends.

 

Friends are everywhere

 

-Cardin Nguyen

 

 

Jun 29

Reckless Mind

Today’s top would be reckless mind, every year there’s this date where nerds and geeks get together on IRC to chat about new technologies and techniques. That’s where I learned majority of my skills from looping, buffer flows, and SSL translation crippler. When our minds are set to one thing we tend to change to a different personalities. Nice or good its how we accept who we are. We all live by principles whether its right or wrong. Those principles always follow us. Today I had a hard time living up to the fact that I broke so many principles just because of “love”. Love is a principles aspects that we break all the time. At this age in time its really hard to find someone who shares the same principle as you.

Its disgusting to protect some thing that we don’t want to believe that’s true. What should I do? you want to see your love one smile happily ever after but does that means you sacrifice the truth for it? Today that’s what I learned. I must accept the fact its better to become a liar then being the killer. To some its better to sacrifice friends and family than losing a reality that they don’t want to lose. Hence people become so cold heart-ed and they don’t even know it. That’s where multiple personalities comes into play. I remember one time a hacker that I barely now erased everything I had on my computer from pictures to personal documents. I disconnected my cable modem 5 seconds after I notice that he had hack into my network. That 5 second he was able to inject a simple virus that formatted my computer. “Luckily” I had backed up all my files three nights before. I was still still very mad since I lost 3 days of life work. I really wanted to kill this guy by revenging. Revenging never ends there. That’s why there’s so many problems in the world. Instead I learned to accept the fact he has better skills than me. From that day on I started to learn how he wrote the virus and wrote a better one, compacted and speedier than his virus.

That is an example of being able to accept the challenge of life. That’s an example of being able to accept the truth.

Another example I encountered that we can reflect on a friend I meet. Awhile back I met this friend, she doesn’t know why shes always mindlessly and meaninglessly walks around with a cold mind and heart. She just have duties that she does. She have dreams that she want to pursue, but she gave up her dreams just for one reality “getting away from home and freedom”. Freedom is a cost we give up for our family. It’s not the cost we give up for ourself. That’s how we come so selfish. Base on her stories I can predict that other who steps into her life liked her for who she is. She didn’t see that because it was part of the family approval. If  they are approve then they can hang out with her. For instance, if she was still in Vietnam. I would have to get her family approval to even get close to her. But does that mean I’m bad? No that doesn’t mean I’m bad. But does that mean the family is wrong? no that doesn’t mean the family is wrong. Her family loved her and carefully pick and choose. It doesn’t matter how you pick or choose, there’s always a chance that the one’s “picked” to be friends with her aren’t perfect. Though she lived in Vietnam but she’s Westernized mind set. She learned it through books and self realization. She once told me that she knows what love is. But she had to sit there and think what it is so hard. What she said out to me was pure text book explanation of what love is. I read the exact same phrase from Gary Paulsen. That’s pure copying! She’s never had a true friend because when they need her most she ignore the status. She rather spend some quality time than giving up everything at that moment to hang chill with the trouble minded friend. Reckless of the mind…..we’re not even noticing that we’re using other. We’re using each other to survive. This world would be a better place to live in when we  can give at the bottom of our hearts. Thats why this friend never really had a true friend. Thats why this friend to me never really experience love. She’s blinded with words in front but she can’t see what is going behind her back. It’s too late to realize that because the damage is done. We’re human and we’re afraid of losing what got. We’re afraid to be alone. That’s when our mind recklessly sell our souls and believe that this cannot happen. “I lived with all these people and they are nice people”. If you listen to all the news then you will realize what I’m speculating is true. Our neighbors seem like nice couples but they are serial killers. Rich family looks like happy family when they are all dressed up. In the back they are fighting over stupid things. Either its property or money. It’s not in Asian culture. It also happens in Western Cultures.

Parents that we barely pay attention too. They don’t even have the time to visit their parents when they are alive. But when their parents are dead in a freeze they give up everything they got to fly back to see them? Is it really true that they are flying back because they loved the person. yes they loved their faimly. This friend of mind a few years ago lost a loved one. When they are alive she take her love one for granted. In her heart she wanted to head back for new years. But she didn’t go because she don’t have the money to go. She has the money to buy a ticket but not the money to spend on the trip. So she told her parents that she wont come back. If she had the feeling that something bad is happening. At that point her heart was telling her to book but her mind could only concentrate on money. Debit free and extra money for the trip to spend. If she was smart enough she had 3 thousand in the bank . She could of save 1 thousand back for expense at home. Buy the ticket for $1200 and spend 800 in Vietnam for two weeks with her parents.  She had only a week’s vacation.

What’s wrong here? its because she doesn’t know what’s love. She never have experienced real love. I don’t ever think she will ever in the near future know what’s love till she drops everything she has and cry it all out. When she drops everything and answer question through the heart not through memories of the brain.

anyways that’s my thoughts all day today. I cried by myself today not because its tough. I cried today because I am in love with myself. To my girl (friend) that’s lost for ever…….I am hurt but she neglected to see it. I could make a huge big deal with it by getting authority involved but I respected and had this friend of mind in my mind always. Charging and revenges isn’t the way out of things. Sharing a bit of love will some day make a different. No friends are true till they learn to love..

Jun 29

Another lie to wash away a truth

Today, I feel really guilty to lie against my will. We live in  a life sometime artificial to to our eyes but we won’t see it. For example, when Linh left I didn’t believe it. I drove around to place we often go to find her and wouldn’t believe it. That is rejection to believe that its really happening to someone who promise us the world till time ends. Today I am hurt because the lie didn’t only killed me. It made me realize that if I have to lie to keep a friend from breaking point. I will quiet and let them find it out themselves. I realized that sometimes our friends only want to hear what they want to hear. Hearing what they think could not be possible that really happened….I had a girl friend, she had the options to visit her dad and spend 1 month with her dad but she didn’t go because of money. She don’t want to spend her parents money and a month later her dad pass away. Thats an example of unbelievable but it really happen. She was a dead brain walking around several months without believe that her misjudgment have left her in regrets. I will always tell what she want to hear. but I cannot lie here…

Hanh Phuc is the effort we put into caring for someone. I was given the opportunity to taste what it feels for a few month. Is it real? Only I know………I’m just sad to see all this.

anyways this journal is about the unbelievable….

Jun 29

Love is a Joke

Man, what mess did I get my self into this time. Now I finally understand why many people warn me of making friends with marriage people. I guess I hear this often from my uncles and high school mates. In high school we use to be good friends hanging out everyday. But after they all have kids its difficult to gather together. I guess that’s just human nature.

I’m sitting here on my porch sucking on Heineken to forget time. You guys know how hard it is to get socialize again. I guess since I graduated high school I been on to many different jobs. Well not really, but its confidential, but I worked for myself since I graduated high school. I worked at Wendy’s for 1 week. Top Foods for 1 week. The rest are just in my pajamas and taking on long term projects doing computer programming. I never know how to socialize. All the people that I meet while working for years are super intelligent people. I thought I was good with computers but then meeting these guys challenged me to be better. My talents are being able to adapt, change, and challenges. I think that’s where I learned majority of my skills today. Working at DES is awesome as well. Majority of the time I know exactly what I’m doing but I cannot explain why. Therefore I begin to slack off so I don’t have to explain why this way is optimal .That’s the challenging at work. Prior years of experiences I did was sole execute. If I’m giving the ok to execute, I’ll execute it at all options to finish the job.

Moving onto how I feel at DES, The last 8 months at DES I felt lost. Lost because there’s no challenging group of staffs. I’m doing repeating tasks like a jail cell. I than met a cool friend. Apparently shes a girl! Asian are so small minded. Even though we’re raised in Western Culture but some Asians still carry the selfish act and mentality that once marriage you’re solely mine. I may be a moron at times but I’m not an idiot. I really like this friend, we often sat together and eat lunch and make fun of each other. It made life easier at work. Over the course of 43 days we became really good friend. I think I like her more than a friend but I know to the fact that shes marry and I’m marry so I kept the distance because I’m raise to respect others the way you wanted to be respected. We still talked like normal human  friend. This bought me back to my moto “My Life here On Earth” . It gets challenging every day seeing new things. Sitting here crying as I write this. I finally know how tough it is. I hate being robots. I rather have fun and joke around to make our life at the State more Fun. What are boundaries? In my world, boundaries are the respect we give to one another and become best friends due to the respect, intelligence, and integrity. I’m just tired..so tired, my bones aren’t made for confrontations. I know its wrong to distance my new made friend because I kept a promise to change DES up. But I cannot hurt this friend……so this path is the hardest path I have to choose. Finding a good friend is hard. Finding jackass to become friends is everywhere.  Meh..ok thats it for now.

sorry guys again, I haven’t update my journal lately due to being too busy or slacking. I’ll try try try my best to update this place more often.

Jun 28

A New Number

I decide its time to change my number. Lately I felt that 360-292-9958 isn’t a great number after all. When you think of it 2 up to 9 then back 2. 9 at 9, back to 5 then 8. Hmm doesn’t sound good does it?
A new number to reflect the toying that was place upon me. I guess its time to run and ditch. The other night I almost got beat up. I got punch in the left shoulder so hard that I almost wanna crack down and get a darn x-ray. I was there there picking up my dad at Hawk, I was confronted by a guy I don’t even know. I got punch in the back. I blocked. He tried to punch me in the face but I blocked the right swing to my eye so it kind of got my eye. OUCH So running away. For what ever reason life sucks sometimes! Being a computer nerd has its own consequences. That consequences is being able to dissect stuff too quickly.

did I deserved all that? I probably did else he wouldn’t randomly do that. What did I do? Hell I don’t even know. I’m avoiding Hawk forever for all I know.

Jun 25

the truth of the mind

I know its been quite sometimes now since I wrote a single post about the status of my life. I’ve been living ok now that I got my permanent status at Department of Enterprise Services. Though its easy to me performing the repetitive task I do every day. My dad don’t have much time left on this earth therefore I’m here to give him one last boost to see that one last smile and hug. When I graduate from Evergreen State College my dad was so proud of me. I really want to tell him “dad, I got more then just a certificate”. But due to my dad safety and family safety I must kept my past a close secret.

Lately I met a pretty close friend, a friend that I want as a child but couldn’t have. Sometimes when we dream so high it never come true. When we don’t dream it comes true. I’m afraid to dream of unattainable things. I was given a song that tells exactly how I felt. This song has translation, but it doesn’t anything compare to word per word. I flipped the dictionary and sent an email to my exchange teacher from 10th grade.  She called me and we listened word per word and she tried her best to translate to me. Chinese sounds sound so good. i listened to many different languages songs but it doesn’t sound as painful as Chinese songs. Though I don’t understand a single word (wait I lied, I do understand some but not to an extent that I can speak it, I can only say my name that Ms. Leung gave me – Ruan Cheng Chung) This friend was sad, I could look into their eyes and understand everything about them. Photographic memories hurts…….I can only hope….I felt that I have caused more drama than I have took away from these friends. I can see their pain. I will step away and put on a smile show.

I have never regret more in this life then ever. I thank all my teacher who have given me this education and love. I thank my parents for sacrificing their life to give me the education I have. If I was in Vietnam I wouldn’t have had the chance to go to school. I probably be lucky enough to make it to third grade. From all those who have stepped into my life always taught me three things: be truthful to your heart, promise can be broken but never give promise that you cannot promise, and to the end be yourself.  I have failed to accomplish all the lesson that I have been taught to this day. I just want to see those that I care smile just one more minute, one more time, and I’m happy. All the time, I thank ong troi & god for giving me a life. For letting me born into this family of my father. I admire him so much. Please let me have his sickness and die before my dad.

What hurt me most in life is not having a real friend. Every friend that came into my life treated me like points. Every friend treated me like a toy. When they are done for, I’m left on the side to walk alone. I had the herniated disc due to friends. But I will never regret being who I am. I have felt a “love” again. It feels good to love again…..but it can only be a 3 hour period that I will never forget. I will close the door and live a simpler life and put on this smile. I can not live a selfish life, I can only live a life to see other smiles. For those who are reading my journal, I appreciate those who have read my journals over the years. I’m just so confuse about “why” ……

the question of “why” …..I sit here on my porch asking why? …….Because its beautiful being able to feel love for a few minutes……..but reality is ……………….I’m behind..nguoi dung phia sau ……life hurts when we’re lost…when we’re just tra hieu….when we’re a walking timebombs.

Thats my thoughts for now. I’m going to leave this a open topic. You can email me and keep your name anonymous and we’ll chat more about this topic.

 

cardin@cardinnguyen.com

 

 

 

Apr 11

Central Washington University Phase 1

Today I’m here at Central Washington University with Tai Nguyen (my brother), Dad, and Phu (my son). Its a great to see college life again. I sort of miss it a lot. It feel like just yesterday going through Western Washington University. The feeling of being lost while at orientation. I was so lost walking around. Its like reliving the experience in a third person view. Seeing that look on my brother face was probably the same face that was on mine.

20150411_093801 20150411_070620 20150411_070113 20150411_093746

Jan 11

A New Year 2015

It’s a new year! I’m doing great! Things seem to have fallen into place. My two kids are growing up and listen very well. I can have them grab stuff for Kim-Ngan like diapers and wipes from up stairs. My daughter on the other hand is a bit tough. She likes to be held when shes awake. If she’s sleeping then it’s ok to place her down, if she’s awake she likes to be held. She cries when I walk pass her.

At State of Washington Department of Enterprise Services its very slow and easy going. Everyone is very nice, but politics in the work place is a bit tough to handle. Being a private sector its a fast game. Get in and get out kind of deal. In the state government systems we have to do it in a specific way to get an outcome planned. Over all I’m still trying to adapt. Over all I love it! People are so nice.

Anyways that’s the latest news…

Nov 27

First Week of work at DES

Woah! That was a fun week! My daughter was born at 3:22 am on Monday 24th and first day of work starts at 8 am. It was a bit rough through out the day, but my co-workers are awesome! They all have their talents. Especially my supervisor! He’s awesome! He wasn’t too hard nor too easy. He gave me plenty of time to get into the comfort zones of a cubicle.

Second day was some what fun. First day was a getting use day. Second day was more of getting into fit. Getting badges, getting the requirements authentications, getting my tools together that I need. And most important of all is finding out what am I there fore. What was I hired for? After shadow all the co-workers I finally realize that I was hired as a generalist. Which means be part of the team and assist what I can do. It’s pretty much be a team and take share in the work. =)

that I can do! I’m so use to A-Z kind of work but now its just doing parts of a team is challenging. I just don’t want to step on co-worker boundaries. Though we may all know glimpse and bits of everything but boundaries are important at work I think.

Third day, (wednesday 26) – it was a more productive day. I was assigned a first task. I’m trying to understand things better such as our system “orion” similar to whm systems and other management systems. I got my SA account and was able to do more stuff “system administrator” type of work. It makes me feel more productive. I browse around to see how are the system setup and deployed.

Anyways thats my week! My boss is great! Great people are hard to find. Co workers are great too! SO far I like the diversity of the work place. My team are awesomes!

-Cardin

Nov 13

Last Journal – Interview with Department of Enterprise Services

Ok Life is werid! Last journal I wrote was October 31 regarding my interview with Department of Enterprise Services. I knew I blew the interview hard. Today I received a call from one of the interviewers. I was offered the job! I don’t know what to say at this point! On the phone he even stated that I did horrible on the interview but hes offer the job base on my resume and experiences.

I have to admit. I didn’t make up anything on my resumes. Everything I wrote on my resume was out of my brains. What I remembered I have encountered , I wrote it all down.

Well guys! I know gazilion friends out there that still read my journal. My only advice to you all is be true to yourself. Look at me for example, I like writing my journal to online talking random things about my life. Be true to yourself and good things will always come.

The fella on the phone even said that he hope he won’t regret his decision. I can’t promise anything to him, but I can simply promise I’ll try my best.

Never promise something that we don’t know what the future holds. We can only promise that we’ll try to achieve that goal.

That’s the good news for the day! At the point where I felt I’m down low; I get hope!

keeps your chin up guys!

-Cardin Nguyen

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